Dear Blog World,
Its Andi-- AGAIN.... Yes, Brook has been slacking on the blog side of things.... but believe me after her upcoming weekend i have a feeling she will be blogging your ear off. In the mean time lets get back to me!
Love Andi!
This week has definitely had its ups and its downs. The downs being that i feared my sister was sleeping with the guy i'm dating, and that he was hiding me from his mother.... and the ups being that the week is almost over.
First of all, while yes, my sister and the guy i'm dating did share a bed a night or too they are not having the sex... and a nice little hissy fit made it clear that THAT is NO LONGER allowed to happen.... ever...
Second of all, he was not hiding me from his mother... in fact after hanging out with him and his mom for as little as 3 hours i have come to the conclusion he was PROTECTING me from his mother. I mean, i know that i don't have the best track record with mothers.... what girl does? Moms love their sons in a way that it different than anything i have ever witnessed. It is, in my opinion far WORSE than the way dads love their daughters. At least dads just put on the tough guy attitude and try and scare the guy away from dating their daughters... if the guy sticks around through that then the dad backs off and bonding can begin.... but Mothers with their sons.... i've seen nothing like it. Its like the mother is so freakin' afraid that she might no longer be the most important female in his life that she lashes out against the 'new girl' and she will not stop until the battle has been won... by her... yes that is the only way the battle can be won is if she, the mother, wins. And there are all kinds of versions of this battle. The mother is smart and knows that she will be beat if she is just plain rude to the girlfriend. Soo.. she starts out by being moody and needy... so that the son has to console her... then she whips it into friendly mode and is nice to you whenever the son is in the room.... but what is super special about these encounters is that once the girlfriend and mother are alone in the room... the silence will either kill you or make you say things you shouldn't say to your 'mother in law' --- for lack of better words.
So the mother of ft. collins leaves tomorrow and i've never been more excited for a person to leave town in my entire life... and yes that includes when ex mother moved to Florida.
ALL week i have been looking forward to when my dating... and more realistically my sex life no longer will revolve around a 50 year old woman.... Tomorrow is that day!
And since i took the plunge... and decided to actually title the relationship with Ft. Collins... yes, we are now officially boyfriend and girlfriend.... even according the the almightey facebook... i've been thinking okay starting Sunday my relationship can finally start. I can go up there when i want, he can come down here when he wants and we can do what either one of us... well lets me honest here, what i want to do. YAY!
However, while i was laying in my bed waiting for my WII to update itself i got to thinking.... how long is this infatuation going to last?
I mean i know i like the guy... and i've known FOREVER that he likes me... so its a good thing that is happening... but like how long is my excitement about it going to last...
I have no doubt that tomorrow will be great... i haven't seen him in a week.. without his mother... and ya know we will have all the catching up time..... and the FUN STUFF...
But after that how long am i gonna be excited to see him and spend time with him.... I fear that when i have unlimited access to the relationship that it is going to lose its appeal? Ya know wanting what you cant have? Well since momma has been in town i couldn't have it and so right now i'm really wanting it... but after i get it and realize i can have it whenever i want... am i still gonna be so excited... ?
I mean this is how us girls work ya know... working so hard to get what we can have and then as soon as we have it in reach we don't want it anymore.... wouldn't that be a bitch?
But in a last minute attempt to salvage my Saturday night i'm gonna jump on off of the blog world... and make a date with reality.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Learning....
Andi here--- apologizing for the freak out yesterday morning. Thanks for listening blog world.
Anywho people, here is what i have learned so far about blogging. A blog is nothing more than another word for diary or journal. I didn't realize how scary it would be to share everything on a site that ANYONE could look at.... but i think it is refreshing. So i'm giving this another whirl.... thats right i'm gonna whip on into blog mode.
So yes, i declined the invitation to lunch but i did scrounge up enough kahunas to text him... and tell him that i thought it would be too awkward to go but that i was thankful for the opportunity. I spent the rest of the afternoon with my dad and then went to work in a surprisingly good mood. We were fairly busy for a Saturday night... and i was finally on top of my game.. unlike the night before.. in fact in the first hour i was there i had already topped what i had made the night before.
However, you will never guess who walked through the door, requesting to be sat with me at oh say 630... thats right the whole little family. Sister, kiddos, Ft. Collins and mother....
I mean really? Should i have been surprised. We discussed that they may come in there for dinner after the trip to Glenwood, i mean it is on the way back north... BUT i didn't suspect that they would still be coming in considering the past couple of days.
Is it good they came in? It gave us some talking opportunity but nothing serious. I don't see why he would have dragged everyone in there if it was completely over.. i mean if its over there isn't really a good reason for your mom to know me now is there?
If your thinking that it was my sisters idea to stop there and dine i have to tell you that that is incorrect... not just because i want it to be wrong but because i've invited her down so many times and she has never come in except when Ft. Collins insists she join him.
When they left i politely said goodbye to everyone, gave the kiddos big hugs and saw foco lagging behind. He asked what time i got off, i told him, he hugged me and left with the crowd. I got off 20 minutes post them leaving and i left so quickly i forgot to clock out! All i could think was that i hoped i got home before foco and mother left for home.
I DID! I could hear that everyone was upstairs... but my dad and step mother were in the kitchen so i went to scrounge up something to eat. In the time i had done that foco had already left without any site of him or any clue that he had done so. Not like he didn't know i was home... my car is in the drive way... but ya know... whatever.
I text him after i thought he may be done driving and told him that i know he is getting his mother settled but i would like to talk, he agreed. But i was thinking more so like once your mom goes to bed why dont you give me a call, not like okay sometime LATER LATER gator.
I forced myself to fall asleep after i sent one more message that i cared about him. I didn't wanna force the issue so... SNOOZE!
I woke up this morning and texted him good morning which was immediately returned to me. His plans for the day? Nothing that include me... they were on their way to church, followed by errand running.... and in the mean time my sister was up and getting the kids reading to go. They left before i even got out of my bed. HMMM wonder where they were going? Probably to Ft. Collins to meet with the family..... thats all i can think of.. i don't even have a benefit of a doubt.... this is where the scenarios are driving me nuts..
You invite my sister but say nothing to me? It must be over then, thats all i can rationalize out of it.... however the contradictory visit paid to my work yesterday keeps popping into my head as well... so what the fuck is a girl to do folks?
One last thing and then i'm out to keep my mind off of this shit... i've found my angle for when we talk. Thats right, if he wants to come at me telling me how i ignored him when i was around my friends my simple response is going to be that he must now understand how i feel every time i get home and he is burrowed away with my sister... or that every time he decides to come out WITH ME he has to have my sister tag along, and how he even sleeps in her bed instead of having a conversation with me.
I'm happy to compromise but changes need to be made. If they can't i'm done. DONE DONE DONE. And that includes me moving out of this house where i forcefully have to be aware of his every move.... with my sister....
Didn't think it would hurt, but it does....
Here is to a good day though, because everyday should be a good day.
Anywho people, here is what i have learned so far about blogging. A blog is nothing more than another word for diary or journal. I didn't realize how scary it would be to share everything on a site that ANYONE could look at.... but i think it is refreshing. So i'm giving this another whirl.... thats right i'm gonna whip on into blog mode.
So yes, i declined the invitation to lunch but i did scrounge up enough kahunas to text him... and tell him that i thought it would be too awkward to go but that i was thankful for the opportunity. I spent the rest of the afternoon with my dad and then went to work in a surprisingly good mood. We were fairly busy for a Saturday night... and i was finally on top of my game.. unlike the night before.. in fact in the first hour i was there i had already topped what i had made the night before.
However, you will never guess who walked through the door, requesting to be sat with me at oh say 630... thats right the whole little family. Sister, kiddos, Ft. Collins and mother....
I mean really? Should i have been surprised. We discussed that they may come in there for dinner after the trip to Glenwood, i mean it is on the way back north... BUT i didn't suspect that they would still be coming in considering the past couple of days.
Is it good they came in? It gave us some talking opportunity but nothing serious. I don't see why he would have dragged everyone in there if it was completely over.. i mean if its over there isn't really a good reason for your mom to know me now is there?
If your thinking that it was my sisters idea to stop there and dine i have to tell you that that is incorrect... not just because i want it to be wrong but because i've invited her down so many times and she has never come in except when Ft. Collins insists she join him.
When they left i politely said goodbye to everyone, gave the kiddos big hugs and saw foco lagging behind. He asked what time i got off, i told him, he hugged me and left with the crowd. I got off 20 minutes post them leaving and i left so quickly i forgot to clock out! All i could think was that i hoped i got home before foco and mother left for home.
I DID! I could hear that everyone was upstairs... but my dad and step mother were in the kitchen so i went to scrounge up something to eat. In the time i had done that foco had already left without any site of him or any clue that he had done so. Not like he didn't know i was home... my car is in the drive way... but ya know... whatever.
I text him after i thought he may be done driving and told him that i know he is getting his mother settled but i would like to talk, he agreed. But i was thinking more so like once your mom goes to bed why dont you give me a call, not like okay sometime LATER LATER gator.
I forced myself to fall asleep after i sent one more message that i cared about him. I didn't wanna force the issue so... SNOOZE!
I woke up this morning and texted him good morning which was immediately returned to me. His plans for the day? Nothing that include me... they were on their way to church, followed by errand running.... and in the mean time my sister was up and getting the kids reading to go. They left before i even got out of my bed. HMMM wonder where they were going? Probably to Ft. Collins to meet with the family..... thats all i can think of.. i don't even have a benefit of a doubt.... this is where the scenarios are driving me nuts..
You invite my sister but say nothing to me? It must be over then, thats all i can rationalize out of it.... however the contradictory visit paid to my work yesterday keeps popping into my head as well... so what the fuck is a girl to do folks?
One last thing and then i'm out to keep my mind off of this shit... i've found my angle for when we talk. Thats right, if he wants to come at me telling me how i ignored him when i was around my friends my simple response is going to be that he must now understand how i feel every time i get home and he is burrowed away with my sister... or that every time he decides to come out WITH ME he has to have my sister tag along, and how he even sleeps in her bed instead of having a conversation with me.
I'm happy to compromise but changes need to be made. If they can't i'm done. DONE DONE DONE. And that includes me moving out of this house where i forcefully have to be aware of his every move.... with my sister....
Didn't think it would hurt, but it does....
Here is to a good day though, because everyday should be a good day.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
There is definitely something wrong with THIS picture.
I mean have i been an angel? NOPE... definitely not. The last few days have been a whirlwind of disaster.... not that there wasn't fun involved... because there definitely was... but that is not the focus.
So remember that week long high that i was feeling with Ft. Collins... my uncontrollable happiness... yeah that didn't last long. As i'm debating what i wanna do Wednesday night i think hmm i guess i'll see if mr. Foco wants to hang out.. but he was not antsy to see me nor did he act the least bit saddened when i decided i would head to Denver for the night instead. Even worse he wasn't responsive to me at all..... and so in the usual girls fashion we were having ourselves some cocktails and i did what any irrational, happy, in like with a guy gal would do.... i drunk texted. Thats right i told Ft. Collins that i maybe loved him, i told him we were boyfriend and girlfriend as if he had no choice in the matter... and when i woke up expecting a good laugh as to what his response was it was simply... sorry i fell asleep last night just woke up. He didn't acknowledge the messages, he didnt make jokes about them... NOTHING.
I was okay with that much at the time... and decided that a fun afternoon with the girls... reclaiming our childhood and our sobriety would be the best thing for me. After that Foco and I talked for a while... about nothing significant, and then i took a long nap. When i called him back on the way to work i decided, i think i'll invite him down to hang out tonight... knowing he didn't have to work the next day... and invite him into my world.... a world where i needed to be a Friend to Brook on a very important day in her life... and a world where i would be put to the ultimate test.
Some background here is that since my last relationship with cheater cheater, there has only been one guy who has consistently had my heart. Only one guy who i really really would love post horrible relationship.. and he happens to be my best friend. And the real test of any new relationship i'm in is whether i can control myself around this guy. More times than not, i do not find that self control. For the sake of the blog he will be called marriage material.. MM.
So Ft. Collins was really unclear about his plans for the rest of the evening... and really didn't seem too interested in my invitation which kind of bummed me out.. but i had duties to fulfill and i wasn't going to abandon them to go to ft. collins..
When i got off of work and met the girls and crew at the beachy bar... i didnt know how long i would stay and i didn't intend on drinking. But MM was coming and i hadn't seen him in quite some time so i extended my visit accordingly... and of all other people who wanted to show up... my mother extended herself an invitation.
All was fine for some time.. and i found myself lost in the MM trance. It'd been months since i'd seen him and he was looking good and being as charming as ever. Then the expected happened... unexpectedly. Ft. Collins walks in the bar with my sister. Yep thats right ... to surprise me. Well he surprised me all right.... surprised me so much that i was very non-responsive to him. It wasn't the best reaction on my behalf and i recognize that... but he walks in... late... after i've already set my brain to FRIEND NIGHT MODE and i'm supposed to transition? Not so much. It didn't help that my mom was there acting like a fool, and that MM seemed to be immediately jealous making ft. collins new name va jay jay.
My loyalty to MM skyrocketed and i just wanted to ignore ft collins and keep MM close... if he was jealous of this guy and didn't like him then i would ignore one and give one all of my attention.... of course MM won that battle.
In the mean time of all of this my mom has then officially pissed of everyone in the bar and is refusing to listen to me or to leave and because i'm intoxicated and dealing with 5 other sorts of drama i don't seem to care.... BAD DECISION
When Ft. Collins and my sister take off .... i don't seem to care... BAD DECISION
Then we all hop in the car... Brook, me, MM, and friend #3 and head home to Brooks. When i woke up in the morning i did NOT feel like p-diddy... in fact i felt like i'd been hit by a truck. I smiled because MM and i were on the couch and he so generously gave me the blankets and his jacket as a pillow. I smiled because there we were laying on two separate sections of the couch, fully clothed, and looking the least amount of intimate as we ever have in the AM. I realize that it probably didn't happen that way 'just because' but it probably happened that way in the back of my mind....i was proud of myself... BUT HERE IS THE PROBLEM
Because of those couple of bad decisions made the night before... particularly the one from stopping any interaction between foco and my mother.... there was a mess to clean up. Its still not clean and i don't even think it has to possibility to get cleaned up.
Being that my mom chased down foco and my sister to yell at them, and that i wasn't exactly acting like girlfriend material the night before....i figured foco was finally done with my bull shit.
NOW i'm confused. Because i text him the next morning... nothing crazy just said hey.... he responded saying whats up and i told him i was at breakfast and asked what he was doing. Much later he responded saying he was volunteering at the school with my sister... and that the kids were loud he couldn't hear his phone.... i took it as a good sign he responded.
HOWEVER when i returned home after work, he was here. I knew he would be he was planning on staying here so he could leave from here to get his mom from the airport from our house. Yes, thats right HIS MOTHER is in town ... for 9 days! He was in my sisters room with her chatting and music listening and as much as i wanted to i didn't want to go in there... i didn't want to enter a 2-1 situation i wasn't ready for that. I realized he really wasnt ready either when he poked his head into the garage while i was out there.. yelled at jake for barking and didn't even acknowledge me.
I kept thinking ill just wait. He will come out of sisters room eventually right? When i saw the light go off and the door shut.... i shut down as well. Was he really going to ignore me and sleep in my sisters room? Was that really happening? Because really even if it is over... i think its worth the conversation... and to transfer over into sleeping in her bed with her.... is really never appropriate when i'm in the house. I'm a pretty understanding girl... and like if sister is at his house and i'm not up there and there is only one bed.. sure go ahead and share. But in this house.... A) if im not here he can sleep in my bed and B) if i am here he should NOT being sharing a bed with my sister.
I really didn't think that i would cry over ft collins... i thought i was in control... but i'm not. And i did cry because it did hurt me... and i am not claiming to be innocent but i'm assuming if MM was over and slept in my bed as my friend that foco wouldn't care for that much. And i already see foco's response being well you and MM dated, you and MM slept together, i've only ever seen your sister as a friend.... well FOCO listen, thats all fine and great but sometimes shit just happens .. how do you think that MM and i ended up this way? We didn't start that way it started from us being just friends...... and here is the real kicker... my sister used to be in fucking love with you, you idiot. So yes, i had a minor anxiety attack when the light shut off and the door closed.
If cheater cheater would have done that to me i would have fought... i would have gotten up and fought... but i don't have any more fight in me.... so i laid there... i didn't text him or go in there or do anything but go to sleep.
AFTER ALL OF THAT ... this morning before going to the airport he speaks to me... only to ask why i am up so early... and i told him i didn't know but the real reason is because i set an alarm to be up at the right time when he had to go to the airport just to see if he would talk to me in the AM. Thats all i got.
UNTIL... he arrived back here at my house with his mother. They had to come back to pick up the kids... yes sister went to the airport with him. Him, his mom, sister, and both kids are going up to glenwood springs today..... quite the family adventure right?
I spoke very briefly with his mother since foco was so sweet to introduce me ... in a whirlwind of introductions including my dad, sisters mom, and the kiddos.
FOCO asked me again if i worked today and what time... and he asked me if i would like to join them for lunch before they head up the hill.... i declined the invitation.
I WANTED TO GO... i'm crying now because i didn't go... i've reached for my phone too many times to text him... but i can't. I mean how fucking awkward would it be to go to lunch... my sister and him spent the night together ..... you want me to go to lunch? and what? be my sisters sister and your friend and thats it? i don't get it? You wanna act like things are fine now? i'm so pissed off and sad and confused and just unhappy right now that i don't know what to do...
What to do? What to do?
What i'll do is go to work and then try and be off and get home before they come back from their outing so i'll have another opportunity to see him and converse with him.
Not that anything will be worked out cuz his fucking mother is in town, and its not like we can have time to talk about it and i don't wanna be like Roberta and fight with him while his mom is here because he deserves to have a nice time with his mom but like what the fuck am i supposed to do? If we wait 9 days to figure this out... i will have gone over so many messed up scenarios in my head that the relationship will be unable to be reconciled... as will any future friendship with him.
So remember that week long high that i was feeling with Ft. Collins... my uncontrollable happiness... yeah that didn't last long. As i'm debating what i wanna do Wednesday night i think hmm i guess i'll see if mr. Foco wants to hang out.. but he was not antsy to see me nor did he act the least bit saddened when i decided i would head to Denver for the night instead. Even worse he wasn't responsive to me at all..... and so in the usual girls fashion we were having ourselves some cocktails and i did what any irrational, happy, in like with a guy gal would do.... i drunk texted. Thats right i told Ft. Collins that i maybe loved him, i told him we were boyfriend and girlfriend as if he had no choice in the matter... and when i woke up expecting a good laugh as to what his response was it was simply... sorry i fell asleep last night just woke up. He didn't acknowledge the messages, he didnt make jokes about them... NOTHING.
I was okay with that much at the time... and decided that a fun afternoon with the girls... reclaiming our childhood and our sobriety would be the best thing for me. After that Foco and I talked for a while... about nothing significant, and then i took a long nap. When i called him back on the way to work i decided, i think i'll invite him down to hang out tonight... knowing he didn't have to work the next day... and invite him into my world.... a world where i needed to be a Friend to Brook on a very important day in her life... and a world where i would be put to the ultimate test.
Some background here is that since my last relationship with cheater cheater, there has only been one guy who has consistently had my heart. Only one guy who i really really would love post horrible relationship.. and he happens to be my best friend. And the real test of any new relationship i'm in is whether i can control myself around this guy. More times than not, i do not find that self control. For the sake of the blog he will be called marriage material.. MM.
So Ft. Collins was really unclear about his plans for the rest of the evening... and really didn't seem too interested in my invitation which kind of bummed me out.. but i had duties to fulfill and i wasn't going to abandon them to go to ft. collins..
When i got off of work and met the girls and crew at the beachy bar... i didnt know how long i would stay and i didn't intend on drinking. But MM was coming and i hadn't seen him in quite some time so i extended my visit accordingly... and of all other people who wanted to show up... my mother extended herself an invitation.
All was fine for some time.. and i found myself lost in the MM trance. It'd been months since i'd seen him and he was looking good and being as charming as ever. Then the expected happened... unexpectedly. Ft. Collins walks in the bar with my sister. Yep thats right ... to surprise me. Well he surprised me all right.... surprised me so much that i was very non-responsive to him. It wasn't the best reaction on my behalf and i recognize that... but he walks in... late... after i've already set my brain to FRIEND NIGHT MODE and i'm supposed to transition? Not so much. It didn't help that my mom was there acting like a fool, and that MM seemed to be immediately jealous making ft. collins new name va jay jay.
My loyalty to MM skyrocketed and i just wanted to ignore ft collins and keep MM close... if he was jealous of this guy and didn't like him then i would ignore one and give one all of my attention.... of course MM won that battle.
In the mean time of all of this my mom has then officially pissed of everyone in the bar and is refusing to listen to me or to leave and because i'm intoxicated and dealing with 5 other sorts of drama i don't seem to care.... BAD DECISION
When Ft. Collins and my sister take off .... i don't seem to care... BAD DECISION
Then we all hop in the car... Brook, me, MM, and friend #3 and head home to Brooks. When i woke up in the morning i did NOT feel like p-diddy... in fact i felt like i'd been hit by a truck. I smiled because MM and i were on the couch and he so generously gave me the blankets and his jacket as a pillow. I smiled because there we were laying on two separate sections of the couch, fully clothed, and looking the least amount of intimate as we ever have in the AM. I realize that it probably didn't happen that way 'just because' but it probably happened that way in the back of my mind....i was proud of myself... BUT HERE IS THE PROBLEM
Because of those couple of bad decisions made the night before... particularly the one from stopping any interaction between foco and my mother.... there was a mess to clean up. Its still not clean and i don't even think it has to possibility to get cleaned up.
Being that my mom chased down foco and my sister to yell at them, and that i wasn't exactly acting like girlfriend material the night before....i figured foco was finally done with my bull shit.
NOW i'm confused. Because i text him the next morning... nothing crazy just said hey.... he responded saying whats up and i told him i was at breakfast and asked what he was doing. Much later he responded saying he was volunteering at the school with my sister... and that the kids were loud he couldn't hear his phone.... i took it as a good sign he responded.
HOWEVER when i returned home after work, he was here. I knew he would be he was planning on staying here so he could leave from here to get his mom from the airport from our house. Yes, thats right HIS MOTHER is in town ... for 9 days! He was in my sisters room with her chatting and music listening and as much as i wanted to i didn't want to go in there... i didn't want to enter a 2-1 situation i wasn't ready for that. I realized he really wasnt ready either when he poked his head into the garage while i was out there.. yelled at jake for barking and didn't even acknowledge me.
I kept thinking ill just wait. He will come out of sisters room eventually right? When i saw the light go off and the door shut.... i shut down as well. Was he really going to ignore me and sleep in my sisters room? Was that really happening? Because really even if it is over... i think its worth the conversation... and to transfer over into sleeping in her bed with her.... is really never appropriate when i'm in the house. I'm a pretty understanding girl... and like if sister is at his house and i'm not up there and there is only one bed.. sure go ahead and share. But in this house.... A) if im not here he can sleep in my bed and B) if i am here he should NOT being sharing a bed with my sister.
I really didn't think that i would cry over ft collins... i thought i was in control... but i'm not. And i did cry because it did hurt me... and i am not claiming to be innocent but i'm assuming if MM was over and slept in my bed as my friend that foco wouldn't care for that much. And i already see foco's response being well you and MM dated, you and MM slept together, i've only ever seen your sister as a friend.... well FOCO listen, thats all fine and great but sometimes shit just happens .. how do you think that MM and i ended up this way? We didn't start that way it started from us being just friends...... and here is the real kicker... my sister used to be in fucking love with you, you idiot. So yes, i had a minor anxiety attack when the light shut off and the door closed.
If cheater cheater would have done that to me i would have fought... i would have gotten up and fought... but i don't have any more fight in me.... so i laid there... i didn't text him or go in there or do anything but go to sleep.
AFTER ALL OF THAT ... this morning before going to the airport he speaks to me... only to ask why i am up so early... and i told him i didn't know but the real reason is because i set an alarm to be up at the right time when he had to go to the airport just to see if he would talk to me in the AM. Thats all i got.
UNTIL... he arrived back here at my house with his mother. They had to come back to pick up the kids... yes sister went to the airport with him. Him, his mom, sister, and both kids are going up to glenwood springs today..... quite the family adventure right?
I spoke very briefly with his mother since foco was so sweet to introduce me ... in a whirlwind of introductions including my dad, sisters mom, and the kiddos.
FOCO asked me again if i worked today and what time... and he asked me if i would like to join them for lunch before they head up the hill.... i declined the invitation.
I WANTED TO GO... i'm crying now because i didn't go... i've reached for my phone too many times to text him... but i can't. I mean how fucking awkward would it be to go to lunch... my sister and him spent the night together ..... you want me to go to lunch? and what? be my sisters sister and your friend and thats it? i don't get it? You wanna act like things are fine now? i'm so pissed off and sad and confused and just unhappy right now that i don't know what to do...
What to do? What to do?
What i'll do is go to work and then try and be off and get home before they come back from their outing so i'll have another opportunity to see him and converse with him.
Not that anything will be worked out cuz his fucking mother is in town, and its not like we can have time to talk about it and i don't wanna be like Roberta and fight with him while his mom is here because he deserves to have a nice time with his mom but like what the fuck am i supposed to do? If we wait 9 days to figure this out... i will have gone over so many messed up scenarios in my head that the relationship will be unable to be reconciled... as will any future friendship with him.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Do girls like.... do they really just wanna have fun?
I mean i would have said yes, yesterday about an hour and a half before i had to be at work when i decided indefinitely that sex was more important to me than being on time or following the dress code was. I would have said YES, Girls do just wanna have fun. And since the sex.. ya know.. didn't suck... i was in a good mood when i got to work. It helped also that my manager had zero complaint that i was late and even complimented my outfit. I left work in a good mood and then called Brook back who was at the O.C. and invited me to stop in. Again, yes... girls do just wanna have fun... i wanted to go see my bestest at the bar and have a drink and get some grub.... nothing wrong with that..
I was a little weary about walking into this particular establishment... i hadn't been there in about 2 months..... When John and i broke up it was my bar of choice to slam back one too many.. and lets just say the night didn't end well and i was sure that nobody had forgotten about it....
Once i was inside though it didn't matter, Brook and i were catching up chatting away and laughing like the usual sitch. I was flying high from my all around wonderful day and when i made eye contact with the man sitting next to me i said "hi" with a smile on my face. This isn't usually the case though folks, i have a reputation for dirty looks, scooting my chair away or even telling the guy to keep his distance. I don't know what was different about me... or about this guy.... maybe the fact that he didn't come off as a total creeper ass, and probably the fact that my most sarcastic friend was sitting on the opposite side of me and would have my back... how did she put it... that right like a bra strap.
For the sake of the block random man will be called JD for Jack Daniels, which was his drink of choice. Conversation was taking place and for once i was actually on top of it.... i had the funny comments and the cute giggle... and Brook she was on top of it with her witty comments and sexual innuendos.... but the most surprising is that Mr. JD himself was actually quite on top of it as well. He had preeettty good come backs for having Brook and I on the opposing team. I mean its not very often that we think about bringing random out of towner men from a public establishment into one of OUR bars.... but we did.... that's right we thought about it.... didn't take him but we did ponder about it for a few seconds. Then we rolled out.
Now what hits me on the way to our beachy bar? I have no clue! I mean one minute I'm having a blasty blast with my besty and boy.. and the next I'm at the reg spot with a full beer in front of me that i want nothing to do with it. I mean there is something wrong when there is a full and alcoholic beverage in front of me, and i don't have to drive home, and i don't even have a sip. Even something worse wrong when our bartender pal hands out free shots..... and i raise my glass for a cheers and give the shot to Brook.
Alcohol is one thing I'm typically not too fond of sharing and I'm definitely not too fond of wasting... so what happened!?!
I mean i definitely was tired.... my bed definitely did sound appetizing and to get to that i couldn't have a drink of beer.... the girlsies convo had simmered and most of us were watching the tele.... and in short conversation with the bar people i had realized that beachy bar was never a positive place for me.... I started going there to see a guy who wasn't a good guy, i kept going there after we 'decided to be friends' to prove a point (in true "the girls" fashion), i quit going there because all i ended up doing was getting hammered between the bartenders generous servings and the ones they just handed out in general. Yeah that place was hard to go back too... but more so hard to be sober and upbeat inside of ... but hindsight is 20/20 right? Bummer is its actually a pretty perfalicious place to hang out.
Anyway i'm not sure why i didn't just wanna have fun but i didn't, i didn't have the desire to even try to. I mean it felt good to not want to drink or have to drink and to have the self control not to drink even though i knew that i could have that option. That felt good, and it felt like proving a lot of people wrong when i walked out the doors... it felt good to have the bestest in full support too. I dunno if it is because i had court that day, or because i was tired, or because friend 3 was there..... i dunno if it was because i was thinking about a man.. the to be or not to be man, ft collins... (yes about him... dammit... i mean i didn't wanna be thinking about him.... i don't wanna like him too much, i don't wanna want to be in a relationship... i don't wanna miss him when he is not around... so I'm really and honestly hoping that he is not the reason... because guy or not i still just wanna have fun... i HOPE) I just don't know what it was!
Don't worry though people, i mean just wanting to have fun Andi will return, and there will be another night where she SAFELY doesn't waste any alcohol, and CLEVERLY keeps the conversation going and just SIMPLY really does just wanna have fun!
I was a little weary about walking into this particular establishment... i hadn't been there in about 2 months..... When John and i broke up it was my bar of choice to slam back one too many.. and lets just say the night didn't end well and i was sure that nobody had forgotten about it....
Once i was inside though it didn't matter, Brook and i were catching up chatting away and laughing like the usual sitch. I was flying high from my all around wonderful day and when i made eye contact with the man sitting next to me i said "hi" with a smile on my face. This isn't usually the case though folks, i have a reputation for dirty looks, scooting my chair away or even telling the guy to keep his distance. I don't know what was different about me... or about this guy.... maybe the fact that he didn't come off as a total creeper ass, and probably the fact that my most sarcastic friend was sitting on the opposite side of me and would have my back... how did she put it... that right like a bra strap.
For the sake of the block random man will be called JD for Jack Daniels, which was his drink of choice. Conversation was taking place and for once i was actually on top of it.... i had the funny comments and the cute giggle... and Brook she was on top of it with her witty comments and sexual innuendos.... but the most surprising is that Mr. JD himself was actually quite on top of it as well. He had preeettty good come backs for having Brook and I on the opposing team. I mean its not very often that we think about bringing random out of towner men from a public establishment into one of OUR bars.... but we did.... that's right we thought about it.... didn't take him but we did ponder about it for a few seconds. Then we rolled out.
Now what hits me on the way to our beachy bar? I have no clue! I mean one minute I'm having a blasty blast with my besty and boy.. and the next I'm at the reg spot with a full beer in front of me that i want nothing to do with it. I mean there is something wrong when there is a full and alcoholic beverage in front of me, and i don't have to drive home, and i don't even have a sip. Even something worse wrong when our bartender pal hands out free shots..... and i raise my glass for a cheers and give the shot to Brook.
Alcohol is one thing I'm typically not too fond of sharing and I'm definitely not too fond of wasting... so what happened!?!
I mean i definitely was tired.... my bed definitely did sound appetizing and to get to that i couldn't have a drink of beer.... the girlsies convo had simmered and most of us were watching the tele.... and in short conversation with the bar people i had realized that beachy bar was never a positive place for me.... I started going there to see a guy who wasn't a good guy, i kept going there after we 'decided to be friends' to prove a point (in true "the girls" fashion), i quit going there because all i ended up doing was getting hammered between the bartenders generous servings and the ones they just handed out in general. Yeah that place was hard to go back too... but more so hard to be sober and upbeat inside of ... but hindsight is 20/20 right? Bummer is its actually a pretty perfalicious place to hang out.
Anyway i'm not sure why i didn't just wanna have fun but i didn't, i didn't have the desire to even try to. I mean it felt good to not want to drink or have to drink and to have the self control not to drink even though i knew that i could have that option. That felt good, and it felt like proving a lot of people wrong when i walked out the doors... it felt good to have the bestest in full support too. I dunno if it is because i had court that day, or because i was tired, or because friend 3 was there..... i dunno if it was because i was thinking about a man.. the to be or not to be man, ft collins... (yes about him... dammit... i mean i didn't wanna be thinking about him.... i don't wanna like him too much, i don't wanna want to be in a relationship... i don't wanna miss him when he is not around... so I'm really and honestly hoping that he is not the reason... because guy or not i still just wanna have fun... i HOPE) I just don't know what it was!
Don't worry though people, i mean just wanting to have fun Andi will return, and there will be another night where she SAFELY doesn't waste any alcohol, and CLEVERLY keeps the conversation going and just SIMPLY really does just wanna have fun!
Monday, May 10, 2010
To be or not to be... In A Relationship
Andi Here-- one of "the girls" and proud of it! So here's the thing... I have come to find out that part of being one of the girls is that... you have to be able to make even the simplest little thing into a big complicated and confusing mess. My situation? Well To be or not to be... in a relationship. I mean what is a relationship anyway? Isn't it just to be with another person whom you care about and who cares about you!?! And in that there are all sorts of other rules like don't lie or cheat.... yeah that's the big one cheating! Heres the deal... i spent 3-4 years, depending on which one of us you ask... in a serious relationship. Yes, i used the word serious to describe a relationship that i entered into when i was a mere 17 years old. And i LOVED the guy... i really did i LOVED him. I gave this guy everything that i had plus some and then i found out he did the unthinkable... he cheated on me... not once my friends, no not twice and not even three times... nope this guy was with 6 other girls that i know of... and well... I'm still 100%... well lets me honest maybe 50% still hopelessly in LOVE with him... What the hell is that about? Sooo... ya know i guess your probably thinking that the problem here is that i don't want to get into another relationship and be cheated on because I'm totally and completely damaged by my first LOVE. If your thinking that.... your definitely 100% WRONG. Yep, that's right its me, I'm afraid of the idea of not being able to be with anyone i want. Quoting one of Brooks infamous man friends " I think i want to keep my life options open". Yes that's right, I'm quoting the jackass one of the three... and not proud of it! When did being in a relationship stop being a good thing and start being a restraint on life? Why am i so afraid that if i call this guy my boyfriend that the world will end as i know it!?! I'm not really sure.. but here is the thing that bothers me most. I've been seeing, dating or sleeping with (whatever you wanna call it) for about a month now. And some days i think "Wow, this guy is a REAL nice guy, he is honest, and loyal and he really likes me a lot, and i think i like him a lot too" And then.... there are the days that i want to be as far away from the guy as i possible can. Sooo after coming off of FANTASTIC weekend high with this guy i'm thinking yeah why not!?! I should just jump right onto facebook and change my relationship status to the dreaded "in a relationship". HAHA sounds easy right!?! Sounds like one of those simple little things that one should be able to do with ... i dunno say... the click of a button. But NOPE! Can't do it and Won't do it! Do i like him or don't i like him? Do i wanna be with just him? I don't see why not because i haven't been with anyone else since i started seeing him.. I've already entered into a monogamy but the title then means that it is part of the RULES to be monogamous .. and I'm simply just not the type of girl who likes to follow the rules....
Saturday, May 8, 2010
3 men 1 boyfriend
Hello blog world,
This is my first blog to you, I am one half of Thursday mornings with the girls. I thought I would sum up my current dating sitch with you fine folks.
It all started one fateful evening when I went out with a regular from our bar...yes I am refering to the bar we frequent, not that we own any of it but we have spent enough in it I feel that would should have some stock. But for now all we can do is refer to it as "our bar".
I had been flirting with this regular for a couple of months, we had hung out only one time outside our bar, so one Wednesday when he invited me out with him and his friends to dance I pounced. I of course got all dolled up with my hopes high in the air, walked into the dance club to meet him and found not only him but $3.00 Tuaca bombs! I mean folks who passes up a special like that??? Not this girl, so after a few hours of dancing and drinking with him, his buddy decided to roll out on us, I offered him a ride beings that his buddy drove him to the club. After the 20 minute drive to his house he pulls out some Humphrey Bogart line and sweeps me off my feet...right into the bedroom. Well lets just be honest here, the sitch at the bar was a little tense after that night. I had feelings for him, but he just needed to get some. He chose to play the 'just friends' card on me. He then decided to make it easy on both of us I guess and just stop going to our bar all together. Shortly after this happened I tapped into some self empowering source that made everynight a blasty. We were going out more than ever meeting new people everynight, hitting new bars, and having an all around great time.
Then came our cowboy week, for five nights Andi and I dressed ourselves up and burned the town down. We made countless bad decisions, and had more fun doing so than ever before. January was bound to be a month to remember...maily by the photos we took and what we could peice together from the night before. The last week in January with times still rolling high, we got some of our girls together for a girls day before hitting our regular bar, once again we were dressed to impress. As Andi and I pulled in to the bar, I noticed that my regular from bar nights past, was there. So I flipped out a little debating if I should actually enter, once Andi had me calmed we walked in like two of the hottest runway modles. Of course he noticed us, but I wasn't prepared for the way he would look at me, staring at me from across the room. I didn't want to feel emotions for him so I did what any girl would do, I was a bitch. I walked over teased a little made him want everything all over again, and then lost COMPLETE controll over the sitch. I mean folks the whole plan was to make him regret being a douch, however it turns out to be a tease you have to stop sleeping with them... Guess I missed that memo. :)
Anywho, after that night things flew along perfectly with him, I mean we were practicly living together. And we lived happily ever after.........Not, so things went swimingly for the first few months, then what happened? Oh the brakes locked up and his comitmentfobe turned on. We were suddenly moving too fast although I let him drive the relationship, being that he has two children I didn't want to push him too far too fast. Now that he can't return my calls or texts, but still wants to keepme hanging on just incase something better doesn't come along, I have readopted my previous state of mind. The one I had in January, were everthing I do is for me, not for a one sided relationship. I am too young to be worried about who I am going to sign on a morgage with. So my regular and I are happily maintaining our 'open relationship' while I am happily going out every night he doesn't feel like answering my calls.
You may be wondering about the title of this blog, well here is you answer.
Enter Man #2 aka the nice guy. It has been said many times that girls only like to date jackasses, as much as we rebuttle, its pretty much true. The problem is there is something that makes us like the challenges of trying to change the 'jackass' into something that we would want to spend time with. I think that there may be a 'too nice' the guy that never does anything wrong, and always says the right things sounds wonderful at first but it just becomes overbaring, no one wants to live with a saint!
One night a co-worker talked me into going out with her and her friends, that is when the nice guy entered, we all hung out for a couple of hours. I decided to invite nice guy to my place sense the bar was closing, I had no intent on anything happening, but two bottles of champagne will change that. Not that nice guy would take advantage of the sitch, caaaaaaause he is the nice guy. so he simply tucked me into bed and cuddled with me all night. that night forward nice guy has been there everytime something goes wrong, I have a bad day, or I just want to hang out. He is so perfect and I can't understand why I am not going after him. He is super helpful and always handy with a joke or complement, I don't think I have enver had a bad time with him. He is interested in all of the activities I am, and is always telling me I'm perfect and beautiful. What is wrong with me???
I still want to be with my douch regular?? I mean fooolks whats wrong with this sitch other than everything.
Now just to make the circle complete man #3 enters the picture. The 'fun guy'. Everytime I'm with him something crazy happens, random dance parties, pranks, he is just so much fun. He would never be in the running for serious boyfriend material but being with him makes it easy to let loose! I have spent the least time with fun guy knowing that I will either be arrested or lose my job. He doesn't foster a good habit for work ethic, but more so a habit of trying to keep up with any drinking song a bar may play.
Andi and I were talking about my dating sitch when like a ton of bricks it hit me! If I could take all three of my men and melt them into one, I would have the perfect man! The jerk that will fight with me when I need him to, and that I have been falling all over this whole time. The nice guy that is there for me no matter what time its is or how silly the reason I am upset is. And just to top it off, the fun guy who is game for anything and always ready to pick up and go. As for now, I guess I will have to continue balancing all three of them, that is until I figure out how to make them all one.
This is my first blog to you, I am one half of Thursday mornings with the girls. I thought I would sum up my current dating sitch with you fine folks.
It all started one fateful evening when I went out with a regular from our bar...yes I am refering to the bar we frequent, not that we own any of it but we have spent enough in it I feel that would should have some stock. But for now all we can do is refer to it as "our bar".
I had been flirting with this regular for a couple of months, we had hung out only one time outside our bar, so one Wednesday when he invited me out with him and his friends to dance I pounced. I of course got all dolled up with my hopes high in the air, walked into the dance club to meet him and found not only him but $3.00 Tuaca bombs! I mean folks who passes up a special like that??? Not this girl, so after a few hours of dancing and drinking with him, his buddy decided to roll out on us, I offered him a ride beings that his buddy drove him to the club. After the 20 minute drive to his house he pulls out some Humphrey Bogart line and sweeps me off my feet...right into the bedroom. Well lets just be honest here, the sitch at the bar was a little tense after that night. I had feelings for him, but he just needed to get some. He chose to play the 'just friends' card on me. He then decided to make it easy on both of us I guess and just stop going to our bar all together. Shortly after this happened I tapped into some self empowering source that made everynight a blasty. We were going out more than ever meeting new people everynight, hitting new bars, and having an all around great time.
Then came our cowboy week, for five nights Andi and I dressed ourselves up and burned the town down. We made countless bad decisions, and had more fun doing so than ever before. January was bound to be a month to remember...maily by the photos we took and what we could peice together from the night before. The last week in January with times still rolling high, we got some of our girls together for a girls day before hitting our regular bar, once again we were dressed to impress. As Andi and I pulled in to the bar, I noticed that my regular from bar nights past, was there. So I flipped out a little debating if I should actually enter, once Andi had me calmed we walked in like two of the hottest runway modles. Of course he noticed us, but I wasn't prepared for the way he would look at me, staring at me from across the room. I didn't want to feel emotions for him so I did what any girl would do, I was a bitch. I walked over teased a little made him want everything all over again, and then lost COMPLETE controll over the sitch. I mean folks the whole plan was to make him regret being a douch, however it turns out to be a tease you have to stop sleeping with them... Guess I missed that memo. :)
Anywho, after that night things flew along perfectly with him, I mean we were practicly living together. And we lived happily ever after.........Not, so things went swimingly for the first few months, then what happened? Oh the brakes locked up and his comitmentfobe turned on. We were suddenly moving too fast although I let him drive the relationship, being that he has two children I didn't want to push him too far too fast. Now that he can't return my calls or texts, but still wants to keepme hanging on just incase something better doesn't come along, I have readopted my previous state of mind. The one I had in January, were everthing I do is for me, not for a one sided relationship. I am too young to be worried about who I am going to sign on a morgage with. So my regular and I are happily maintaining our 'open relationship' while I am happily going out every night he doesn't feel like answering my calls.
You may be wondering about the title of this blog, well here is you answer.
Enter Man #2 aka the nice guy. It has been said many times that girls only like to date jackasses, as much as we rebuttle, its pretty much true. The problem is there is something that makes us like the challenges of trying to change the 'jackass' into something that we would want to spend time with. I think that there may be a 'too nice' the guy that never does anything wrong, and always says the right things sounds wonderful at first but it just becomes overbaring, no one wants to live with a saint!
One night a co-worker talked me into going out with her and her friends, that is when the nice guy entered, we all hung out for a couple of hours. I decided to invite nice guy to my place sense the bar was closing, I had no intent on anything happening, but two bottles of champagne will change that. Not that nice guy would take advantage of the sitch, caaaaaaause he is the nice guy. so he simply tucked me into bed and cuddled with me all night. that night forward nice guy has been there everytime something goes wrong, I have a bad day, or I just want to hang out. He is so perfect and I can't understand why I am not going after him. He is super helpful and always handy with a joke or complement, I don't think I have enver had a bad time with him. He is interested in all of the activities I am, and is always telling me I'm perfect and beautiful. What is wrong with me???
I still want to be with my douch regular?? I mean fooolks whats wrong with this sitch other than everything.
Now just to make the circle complete man #3 enters the picture. The 'fun guy'. Everytime I'm with him something crazy happens, random dance parties, pranks, he is just so much fun. He would never be in the running for serious boyfriend material but being with him makes it easy to let loose! I have spent the least time with fun guy knowing that I will either be arrested or lose my job. He doesn't foster a good habit for work ethic, but more so a habit of trying to keep up with any drinking song a bar may play.
Andi and I were talking about my dating sitch when like a ton of bricks it hit me! If I could take all three of my men and melt them into one, I would have the perfect man! The jerk that will fight with me when I need him to, and that I have been falling all over this whole time. The nice guy that is there for me no matter what time its is or how silly the reason I am upset is. And just to top it off, the fun guy who is game for anything and always ready to pick up and go. As for now, I guess I will have to continue balancing all three of them, that is until I figure out how to make them all one.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Like A Virgin
And tonight i was texting my bestest and we have been talking for probably the entirety of our adult lives about how we should have our own reality TV show. Now with little response from any of the major networks (mostly because we are too lazy to actually try contacting any of them) we decided to go a different route. I mean the bestest and me spend probably close to 3 hours a day talking about life and the joys and sorrows that come along with it, so we have labeled ourselves "practially experts" on living. Our first thought was to travel around the country motivationally speaking to college students. THEN we realized that any self respecting motivational speaking tour PROBABLY wouldn't promote drinking AND smoking AND cursing and sex.... so then we thought well we could be like Carrie on Sex and the City and write a book about our life lessons. And while we do attribute outselves and our friends to each be a character of the show... a book seemed a little far fetched as well. SOOO... here we are on this thing called a blog which neither one of us are quite sure how the damn thing works BUT we are here to do our best. Trial and Error is the method to our madness here at home as it will be on this blog.
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