There is definitely something wrong with THIS picture.

I mean have i been an angel? NOPE... definitely not. The last few days have been a whirlwind of disaster.... not that there wasn't fun involved... because there definitely was... but that is not the focus.
So remember that week long high that i was feeling with Ft. Collins... my uncontrollable happiness... yeah that didn't last long. As i'm debating what i wanna do Wednesday night i think hmm i guess i'll see if mr. Foco wants to hang out.. but he was not antsy to see me nor did he act the least bit saddened when i decided i would head to Denver for the night instead. Even worse he wasn't responsive to me at all..... and so in the usual girls fashion we were having ourselves some cocktails and i did what any irrational, happy, in like with a guy gal would do.... i drunk texted. Thats right i told Ft. Collins that i maybe loved him, i told him we were boyfriend and girlfriend as if he had no choice in the matter... and when i woke up expecting a good laugh as to what his response was it was simply... sorry i fell asleep last night just woke up. He didn't acknowledge the messages, he didnt make jokes about them... NOTHING.
I was okay with that much at the time... and decided that a fun afternoon with the girls... reclaiming our childhood and our sobriety would be the best thing for me. After that Foco and I talked for a while... about nothing significant, and then i took a long nap. When i called him back on the way to work i decided, i think i'll invite him down to hang out tonight... knowing he didn't have to work the next day... and invite him into my world.... a world where i needed to be a Friend to Brook on a very important day in her life... and a world where i would be put to the ultimate test.
Some background here is that since my last relationship with cheater cheater, there has only been one guy who has consistently had my heart. Only one guy who i really really would love post horrible relationship.. and he happens to be my best friend. And the real test of any new relationship i'm in is whether i can control myself around this guy. More times than not, i do not find that self control. For the sake of the blog he will be called marriage material.. MM.

So Ft. Collins was really unclear about his plans for the rest of the evening... and really didn't seem too interested in my invitation which kind of bummed me out.. but i had duties to fulfill and i wasn't going to abandon them to go to ft. collins..
When i got off of work and met the girls and crew at the beachy bar... i didnt know how long i would stay and i didn't intend on drinking. But MM was coming and i hadn't seen him in quite some time so i extended my visit accordingly... and of all other people who wanted to show up... my mother extended herself an invitation.
All was fine for some time.. and i found myself lost in the MM trance. It'd been months since i'd seen him and he was looking good and being as charming as ever. Then the expected happened... unexpectedly. Ft. Collins walks in the bar with my sister. Yep thats right ... to surprise me. Well he surprised me all right.... surprised me so much that i was very non-responsive to him. It wasn't the best reaction on my behalf and i recognize that... but he walks in... late... after i've already set my brain to FRIEND NIGHT MODE and i'm supposed to transition? Not so much. It didn't help that my mom was there acting like a fool, and that MM seemed to be immediately jealous making ft. collins new name va jay jay.
My loyalty to MM skyrocketed and i just wanted to ignore ft collins and keep MM close... if he was jealous of this guy and didn't like him then i would ignore one and give one all of my attention.... of course MM won that battle.
In the mean time of all of this my mom has then officially pissed of everyone in the bar and is refusing to listen to me or to leave and because i'm intoxicated and dealing with 5 other sorts of drama i don't seem to care.... BAD DECISION
When Ft. Collins and my sister take off .... i don't seem to care... BAD DECISION
Then we all hop in the car... Brook, me, MM, and friend #3 and head home to Brooks. When i woke up in the morning i did NOT feel like p-diddy... in fact i felt like i'd been hit by a truck. I smiled because MM and i were on the couch and he so generously gave me the blankets and his jacket as a pillow. I smiled because there we were laying on two separate sections of the couch, fully clothed, and looking the least amount of intimate as we ever have in the AM. I realize that it probably didn't happen that way 'just because' but it probably happened that way in the back of my mind....i was proud of myself... BUT HERE IS THE PROBLEM
Because of those couple of bad decisions made the night before... particularly the one from stopping any interaction between foco and my mother.... there was a mess to clean up. Its still not clean and i don't even think it has to possibility to get cleaned up.
Being that my mom chased down foco and my sister to yell at them, and that i wasn't exactly acting like girlfriend material the night before....i figured foco was finally done with my bull shit.

NOW i'm confused. Because i text him the next morning... nothing crazy just said hey.... he responded saying whats up and i told him i was at breakfast and asked what he was doing. Much later he responded saying he was volunteering at the school with my sister... and that the kids were loud he couldn't hear his phone.... i took it as a good sign he responded.

HOWEVER when i returned home after work, he was here. I knew he would be he was planning on staying here so he could leave from here to get his mom from the airport from our house. Yes, thats right HIS MOTHER is in town ... for 9 days! He was in my sisters room with her chatting and music listening and as much as i wanted to i didn't want to go in there... i didn't want to enter a 2-1 situation i wasn't ready for that. I realized he really wasnt ready either when he poked his head into the garage while i was out there.. yelled at jake for barking and didn't even acknowledge me.
I kept thinking ill just wait. He will come out of sisters room eventually right? When i saw the light go off and the door shut.... i shut down as well. Was he really going to ignore me and sleep in my sisters room? Was that really happening? Because really even if it is over... i think its worth the conversation... and to transfer over into sleeping in her bed with her.... is really never appropriate when i'm in the house. I'm a pretty understanding girl... and like if sister is at his house and i'm not up there and there is only one bed.. sure go ahead and share. But in this house.... A) if im not here he can sleep in my bed and B) if i am here he should NOT being sharing a bed with my sister.
I really didn't think that i would cry over ft collins... i thought i was in control... but i'm not. And i did cry because it did hurt me... and i am not claiming to be innocent but i'm assuming if MM was over and slept in my bed as my friend that foco wouldn't care for that much. And i already see foco's response being well you and MM dated, you and MM slept together, i've only ever seen your sister as a friend.... well FOCO listen, thats all fine and great but sometimes shit just happens .. how do you think that MM and i ended up this way? We didn't start that way it started from us being just friends...... and here is the real kicker... my sister used to be in fucking love with you, you idiot. So yes, i had a minor anxiety attack when the light shut off and the door closed.
If cheater cheater would have done that to me i would have fought... i would have gotten up and fought... but i don't have any more fight in me.... so i laid there... i didn't text him or go in there or do anything but go to sleep.

AFTER ALL OF THAT ... this morning before going to the airport he speaks to me... only to ask why i am up so early... and i told him i didn't know but the real reason is because i set an alarm to be up at the right time when he had to go to the airport just to see if he would talk to me in the AM. Thats all i got.

UNTIL... he arrived back here at my house with his mother. They had to come back to pick up the kids... yes sister went to the airport with him. Him, his mom, sister, and both kids are going up to glenwood springs today..... quite the family adventure right?
I spoke very briefly with his mother since foco was so sweet to introduce me ... in a whirlwind of introductions including my dad, sisters mom, and the kiddos.
FOCO asked me again if i worked today and what time... and he asked me if i would like to join them for lunch before they head up the hill.... i declined the invitation.
I WANTED TO GO... i'm crying now because i didn't go... i've reached for my phone too many times to text him... but i can't. I mean how fucking awkward would it be to go to lunch... my sister and him spent the night together ..... you want me to go to lunch? and what? be my sisters sister and your friend and thats it? i don't get it? You wanna act like things are fine now? i'm so pissed off and sad and confused and just unhappy right now that i don't know what to do...

What to do? What to do?

What i'll do is go to work and then try and be off and get home before they come back from their outing so i'll have another opportunity to see him and converse with him.

Not that anything will be worked out cuz his fucking mother is in town, and its not like we can have time to talk about it and i don't wanna be like Roberta and fight with him while his mom is here because he deserves to have a nice time with his mom but like what the fuck am i supposed to do? If we wait 9 days to figure this out... i will have gone over so many messed up scenarios in my head that the relationship will be unable to be reconciled... as will any future friendship with him.